got any stale biscuits?

it is like four in the morning why am i not asleep AAAURGH

My eyes feel like they want to crawl out of my head and dunk themselves in a glass of water.

My appetite is all screwed up lately. I feel nauseated all of the time but I like eating so much that it only sometimes makes a difference. Mostly today I ate tortillas and tried to eat other stuff, I guess out of habit? I don't know. Tortillas and fried rice.

Feel like I'm losing weight but so goddamned slowly, and that's annoying. Maybe my body senses my discomfort and so is making me feel ill so that I will eat less.

Feeling afraid I'm going to flunk my math class and maybe my anthro class but hopefully not. Everything else is totally peachy and great, though. So I guess that evens out my performance in school this semester to "mediocre".

I managed to spit about 500 words out earlier this evening, through sheer force of will not to have written nothing today. Thank goodness for my wordcount cushion; I build it up for days like this.

Got up to try and write some stuff but I quickly discovered that my brain is too scattered to really put anything together.

I want very badly for a big thunderstorm or something like that. I need a haircut. I want to sit outside in the wet windy dark. Devilcat was meowing outside this morning and it woke me up, but I was too out of it to go and get her, so I guess she's disappeared back into the wilds of Albuquerque. Nice to know she's not dead. Maybe she just stopped by and screamed her head off for a few minutes so I'd know she was alright.

Sometimes I dig around craigslist personal ads for fun. Riveting, I know. (It's right up there with my monstrously boring hobby of finding amusing "haunted" items on eBay.) Anyway, accidentally clicked "reply" to one of the ones I was looking at for some dude about 40, and the "let's make sure you're not a robot, please type in the words you see" thing gave me "NEPHEW". L O L

sometimes life is pretty funny

I'm a resentful person. I'm hateful. People don't believe me because the people that hear that, I guess, are the people I don't hate, or at least try very hard not to hate.

( vomit )

WHO WANTS TO SEE THE FIRST PART OF MY NANO?

( nanoclip )

This is easily the best part of my NaNo so far. Too bad it was the first thing I wrote. SIGGHHH.

This opening is basically extra fun-points for myself and anyone who knows Chastity at all.

( writing )

idk, still rusty, but I am having fun c:

Some writing.

( howell )

I'm still really rusty which is a little embarrassing but mostly I enjoy these, or at least enjoyed writing them.

OKAY WHO WANTS TO SEE DEVILCAT??

( devilcat )

So, imagine that attacking the shit out of you while you're trying to sleep. SHE'S SO PLEASANT.

I love her though and I am so glad that she came back home.

Woke up and can't get back to sleep for some reason.

I dreamed that I was a kid that wanted Pokemon to be real. I had two Pokemon already, I don't know what else I was waiting for. And there was a girl who ended up being Erin that I was in love with.

And we went on this thing together, where you ride a slide, and all this Stuff is everywhere, and you can just grab as much as you want. Emily was there. I said something like, "You can't play this game with your friends. What happens when you see something you really want?" Which seemed weird, for me. I got a small knife with that iridescent pearl/shell stuff on it.

There was a man who I guess was dead. And I was being arrested for something? I can't seem to remember. Too bad, it seemed really interesting.

I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I looked at the clock and it said 4:44 and when I got back into bed I wondered if I would remember in the morning or if I would think this was a dream.

Devilcat is the cat's name right now. She was being super sweet when I got up. Maybe she woke me up and I didn't realize.

She seems to like me just fine although she clawed the shit out of Erin several times while I was away in class yesterday. So I backed off a bit, but she's still being just sweet as ever. So strange.

I think she has vision problems. When she tries to focus her eyes on something, her head kind of wobbles. I wonder if she has brain damage, which would explain the sudden aggressive behavior -- Erin said there was no warning. She doesn't seem to be doing it to me, though.

She stares at where you were for a moment when you move away. She's a very strange animal. I like her a lot, though, but I guess that's because she's being a sweetheart to me. Maybe she'll warm up to Erin. She didn't like Iris either, though.

DEVILCAT HOW COME YOU LIKE ME AND NOBODY ELSE?

truly she was meant to be with me hahaha

Me and Met found my neighbor's cat running around meowing its head off last night and brought it back upstairs. My neighbor said it was driving her crazy, because sometimes the cat will be super sweet, and then it will just jump and attack the crap out of her. She has all these scratches on her arms and stuff.

I told her that I missed my cat in Texas really bad (which I do, I haven't been able to shut up about it for like a month), and that if the cat ever bothered her really bad again, I could take it off her hands for a little while. I was all afraid while I was doing it that I was coming on WAY too strong like a crazy cat person or something, like, "I CAN BABYSIT YOUR PRECIOUS GIFT FROM GOD 8U" or whatever, you know that kind of person.

Anyway, she texted Erin this morning like, "Do you want my cat? I think I'm going to give it to the pound or something," and I was like, "OH MY GOD YES WANT 8 A8"

Now I can't find her though LOL maybe the cat has SENSED HER BETRAYAL AND IS EATING HER AS I SPEAK jkjkjk

I don't know if I can really keep it anyway, but, you know, it's nice.



EDIT: OMG YEY AAAHH

erin says the cat can stay at least one day and my neighbor is giving me all the cat's stuff like her box and food and bowls and stuff AAAAHHH SO EXCITED AAAAHH

omg idk what the cat's name is though lmao aahh

i am going to end up calling her "cat" anyway because that's what i do with every animal but still aaahh I'M EXCITED AAAHHH

Completely forgot what I dreamed last night. Oh well.

( talking )

Last night, I dreamed some very strange things.

I dreamed that the dinosaurs from We're Back were meeting with old friends, who were hamsters. Each hamster was the color of one of the dinosaurs, so that the green ones were best friends, the blue ones were best friends, and so on. The orange T-Rex showed up last, and the orange hamster was absolutely overcome with joy. He ran over the to T-Rex and hugged it and they were very happy to see each other.

The T-Rex fell asleep eventually and the hamster went into his mouth, trying to wake him up. Everyone kept telling the hamster to get out of there because he was going to get eaten on accident, but the hamster just stayed inside. Then the T-Rex sat up, and the hamster fell down his throat.

The hamster turned into a worm, then, and he was suddenly on the floor of what looked like an industrial kitchen. He was covered in shreds of cheese and green herbs. He ran away from something, but I don't remember what.

Later in the dream, I was in some kind of sporting goods store. In the back were lots of fish. There were these eye-cover things that were full of water and little fish, so you could strap it to your face and watch them.

I also found a fishtank with two baby manatees in it. They would bump against the glass wherever I put my hand. And there was also a baby rabbit living in the water. The tank kept getting bigger and bigger, and the back got murky, but the little manatees kept swimming -- they would circle to the back and then come back to where my hand was.

One of them then swam towards me with its mouth open like a hippo's and I got scared and woke up.

I had waking dreams of talking to Erin while she got ready for work, but I don't quite remember what about.

MET I LOVED THE WRITING YOU DID FOR FRANCIS SO NOW I'M DOING SOME TOO

At this point I guess that they are less steampunkcommies and more...steampunkwildwestcommies.

I haven't written in a while so I'm pretty rusty, and I hope you'll forgive me it.

( Read more... )

So, that was fun.

Last night I dreamed about a doll. Its eyes had weights in them, so they moved -- the way baby dolls move their eyes, so that when you lay them on their backs, their eyes close. But its head came off, and the eyes kept moving, and in too many ways. I could hear machinery behind them, and they followed me, and the doll started talking.

On its head was printed in red ink "M0L3L3", and I saw it in a mirror and read it as "EL EL OM". This seemed important to me for some reason.

I tried to burn the doll but instead I woke up in the middle of the night.

I don't have a lot of nightmares, so I was actually glad to have had that one. I can't remember what else happened, though.

( vomit )

On the other hand, though, maybe I'm just losing my mind. This is a little embarrassing.

Okay, let's start over. ( vomit )

I haven't been recording my dreams very regularly lately because I am forgetting them. When I try to sit down and write them out, I realize that I can't tell the difference between my dream, what I did yesterday, or what I was thinking about yesterday.

The only way I can tell the difference anyway is I ask myself, "Which of these things makes sense, and which one of these things seems genuinely surreal and dreamlike?" But, things are breaking down a bit, I guess.

So, I guess that's sort of doing shit for my credibility.

I think there really is something wrong with me, but I have no interest in fixing it because...I don't know. I like the way I am. Maybe I was never interested in the truth, but rather in what is beautiful. I'm a romantic after all. I think that has a different kind of truth in it, anyway.

Anyway.

( dreaming )

And so I guess that's all I remember.

My grasp on reality might be even worse than I thought it was. It's not so much that by itself that worries me but rather how it will make people see me. I don't know why I am so unconcerned with being insane but so afraid of people thinking I'm crazy. It seems like if I were really out of my head, then I wouldn't care what people thought.

Whatever. Who knows.



EDIT you know, I've been thinking about it.

I think that's true, that I'm interested in beauty.

Which makes sense, I guess, because I'm such an emotional creature.

( I'm talking to myself )